(formerly)tangentmind.org

Once again I totally messed up my interview with the doctor. I couldnt' remember what I wanted to say or what she said or anything. I just kind of rambled and she told me she thought I should take some allergy medication and see a psychiatrists. I told her I didn't have any money and couldn't continue treatment. She told me there was a psychiatrist place that didn't cost money, or something like that, but I don't remember what it was called. I've had this urge, since I left the doctors office to burst into tears or throw myself in front of a car, or tear something apart or curse until my air runs out. I tried to take a walk and listen to "Life the Universe and Everything" audio tape to make myself feel better, and I think I felt better while I was walking but quickly felt much worse after I got home, and reality set back in, and the dog ate my food, like she always does when I leave it where she can reach it. Often when she does that it makes me want to kill her and I have to resist the urge. Today the desire suddenly jumped upon me a couple times and I couldn't resist the urge to kick her lightly.

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel like I have no control over my thoughts or my memories or my life or anything. I feel like I'm slipping into this deep dark pit of helplessness. I can imagine that it might feel somewhat like being stuck in a nursing home. Maybe I'm getting dementia and alzheimers. I think I might take a nap.

I wish I was 7 again so I could tell everyone that I'm bored as hell, and I don't want drugs, I just want something interesting and challenging to do. It probably wouldn't help.

I think maybe I'll take a nap, or find a nice quite corner to sob.